Mark Iverson, PS

STEP PARENT ADOPTION: Informing a child about a birthparent

In a step parent adoption, the child may be an infant when the step parent, typically the stepfather,  enters a relationship with the child’s parent.  The child grows up believing that that the step parent is the biological parent.  The question becomes, when is it best to tell the child that he ohas a birthparent and the step parent is an adoptive parent or would like to become an adoptive parent.

In this day and age, there is no doubt that  the child will eventually learn that she is adopted.  It is certainly better for the child psychologically and emotionally to have mom and step dad inform the child before the child learns that there is a birthparent from another source.

This discussion appears to be much more difficult for the parents than the child.  The child knows who her mom and dad are.  Step dad is real dad.  He is the one that is there everyday.  Birthfather is the one that was unable to be a parent and is not available.  To learn that there is also a birthfather is not stressful for the child if done in an appropriate manner and at an early age.

So when is the right age? I advise my clients to tell the child his birth story (in as positive terms as possible) from the time the child is an infant or as young as possible so that the child will look back be able to say that they always knew they were adopted.  It can be psychologically and emotionally harmful to wait until the “child is old enough to understand.”  The older the child becomes, the more dificult it is to broach the subject and the more confused the child may be that this information was witheld.

Your child knows you as mom and dad.  Learning that there is a birthparent will not change that.  For further assistance in completing a step parent adoption give me a call.